This has to be the most surreal of my pregnancies. Perhaps because I am older? Or perhaps because it wasn’t in the plan? All I know is that even though I have a spare room full of baby things and a Moses basket all dressed and waiting for someone to fill it, I still look down at my belly and can’t quite believe there is a baby in there. I’ve gone through a number of emotional stages in this pregnancy. First trimester was basically pure panic , distress and breakdowns! Second trimester I found some calm and actually started to get excited about what was to be. Third trimester. Well I don’t know what to say. It’s like a kind of surreal nothing kind of feeling. Almost a practical reaction, like I know what has to be done (no going back now!), but still can’t get my head round the fact that there is a baby in there!

Tonight at the dinner table, my 5-yr old son asked “Mummy, why did we have to get another baby?” Tears pricked my eyes as I wracked my brain for an answer. What the heck should I say to that? Why did we have to get another one? And the wording was so apt – we did just seem to ‘get’ this one. We didn’t ask for it, we just got it. I guess that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I mean some of the best presents are surprises; things we didn’t ask for.

Anyway, whereas at the start I would have over-analysed and beaten myself up over how I feel and why I feel it, I’m just happy to accept that I feel how I feel. There’s no deeper meaning. It doesn’t mean I won’t be happy. It doesn’t mean I’ll love this baby any less than she deserves me to. And I might feel different tomorrow, because that’s the thing about feelings. They come and they go. They don’t always need that much attention. Just accept them for what they are and see what tomorrow brings ☺️

I have no idea why I feel different today. Nothing has changed, nothing has happened. And yet today I find myself low of mood and close to tears. I have a conference call in 20 minutes; I can’t be bothered. I have another call right after that; I can’t be bothered. I need to go to the chemist to pick up a prescription; I can’t be bothered.

I think I’m just worn out. Worn out by the stresses of work, worn out by the stresses put upon me by other people who seem to think it’s my job to fix them, worn out in general.

People will tell me it’s my hormones. They’ll tell me I’m doing too much, that I should slow down, not take so much on. They’ll tell me I’m unwell and perhaps I need to see my doctor or my midwife. None of them will think about whether it might actually be them that are causing some of this exhaustion!

Mentally exhausted from dealing with the insecurities of others. Did anyone notice that I have issues of my own to deal with whilst they were looking to me to repair theirs??

Today I feel like I’m just making a great big mess of everything. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep, I’m shattered but can’t rest. Taking on a promotion into a role that is making huge demands on me in my final weeks was perhaps not my wisest decision. So much being asked of me, and I’m so passionate about it that I want to give it all.

By the evening, my tummy feels like it’s stretching to the point of bursting, and my back aches so bad! There’s a pain in my right hand side that hurts to touch it like I’m bruised. Perhaps the 5 hours of driving yesterday wasn’t a bright idea. There is a fleeting thought that I could be in labour. Don’t be silly! You’ve got 10 weeks left! But it happens doesn’t it.

And then there’s the movement – my god this baby is one bony little thing! I don’t often get that nice reassuring little kick or wiggle. It’s more like something clawing at my insides. Like someone who has been buried alive scratching to get out! The jabs come so hard at times I wonder if she is actually trying to hurt me!

And of course, all of this discomfort is really helping the mental state! Everyone is annoying me, I have no time for idle prattle, my children vex me to the point of shouting like a fish wife. Oh my, I hope this is just a phase. I’ve hit a lull and after a few days of rest I might start to feel brighter again? I hope so.

Just as I thought I’d put the blues behind me, today I find myself feeling pretty low. Tears are never far away these days and all in all I feel pretty ‘meh’. Week 29, into the final trimester, and the wonderful feelings of the 2nd trimester seem to have faded away. I feel overwhelmed and vulnerable. I’ve got baby names being thrown at me from every angle, criticism, advice, it all just makes my head feel like it is caving in.

Everything is an effort. Getting dressed, an effort. Taking a flight of stairs, an effort. Putting the washing on, effort. Listening to everyone’s opinions of what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, when I should be doing it, effort.

I feel like I want to curl up in a hidden corner, me and my bump, and stay there until the baby arrives. And I’m scared! More scared than I ever was approaching the end with my first two. Scared about when it’s going to happen, scared about how it will happen. Where will I be? What if I’m at work? What if I’m driving? What if I’m alone? What if something goes terribly wrong?

When the baby arrives, it is likely she will have no cot, no pram (all on back order) and worst of all, no name. She’s a nameless nothing and the burden of making sure she is something weighs heavy on my shattered mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I know that I am a way off D-Day just yet, but really? Can it not just be March already?!

I am 29 weeks pregnant today, so practically a whole trimester to go, but I can think of a million and one things I’d like to be doing rather than working right now!

Getting Organised

With 2 kids and full time jobs, organising our home has been the last thing on mine and dear husband’s minds. Our hall, stairs and landing has needed decorating for more than 5 years and we’ve accumulated all manner of crap in our 20-or-so years together! Knowing that things are just going to get a whole lot busier, plus the fact that with a baby comes a vast amount of paraphernalia, I reckon now is a good time to get organised. Sort through the junk, give the good stuff to people who need it, finish the decorating, deal with the snags (broken lights, damaged skirting boards and the like). Make our house perfect for the arrival of our little princess. The thought of adding a 5th persons’ stuff to our home without addressing the storage and decorating issues we already have fills me with dread. Seriously! I could vomit!! My poor husband is tired of the orders, haha! But it means that everything will be done and organised, and our house will be a complete home for our complete family. It will be a calm and orderly place to offset the craziness that is about to ensue!

Project Nursery

All this sorting and organising allows us to get to the exciting bit – decorating the nursery. It’s practically empty now, and we can get started on preparing and decorating ready for the arrival of the new furniture. And of course there is some really important stuff to do. I’ve got paper butterflies to make to adorn the walls, birdcages to fill with flowers and pearls, chintzy cushion covers to make and all sorts!! So who wants to be writing a Compliance Report when you could be spending your time making things pretty and getting ready for the arrival of a new baby! But none of that pays the bills I guess!

I’m sat at home with my laptop on my knee, and the little cherub is booting me as if to say “Put the laptop down Mummy, go make my room pretty.” I don’t remember feeling this level of fascination over my first two moving inside me. This time I could literally sit staring at my belly all day long, each little kick or wriggle acting as a form of communication between her and me. Who knew I’d be here from where I was just a few months ago! Who could believe that I thought my life was over! It is really just beginning.

I suppose for now I just need to find the motivation to carry on with work, keep doing my best to deliver what I’ve promised, and keep counting down the weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds until that last day in work in March when I can leave it all to someone else and begin a new chapter in my life. This is the last time I’ll be doing this (yeah, yeah I know I said that after number 2, but this one was mostly definitely an error!) so I am going to make this year count 😊

Do you ever get so tired that you just want the world to stop so you can unwind and savour the peace? So tired that every sound, every movement, cuts right through to your core like nails running down a blackboard? Ever get so tired that one false move from anyone close could light the fuse that is simmering inside you, and cause you to blow?

That’s me tonight. I have just screamed at my 5-year old son like some kind of wild banshee! After hours of little squabbles and answering back throughout the day, he dared to lean against the cupboard door into the freshly ironed shirts!! Does he not realise how knackered I was stood there ironing them?? Does he not know how much I hate ironing shirts?? Well, of course he doesn’t! He is only 5! But that didn’t stop me from losing it, and now I’m left with the guilt and embarrassment for my actions.

What must it sound like to a 5-year old when his mother screams at him unexpectedly? What goes through my husband’s mind when he hears it? Does he think his wife is crazy? A nutjob lunatic who can’t keep her cool? I daren’t even give too much thought to what I think my family think about me. I’m sure it isn’t good…

Tonight I feel a darkness closing in around me. A darkness that feels heavy on my shoulders and even heavier on my heart. It’s like there is a load on my chest, and it is making it hard for me to breathe. I can almost see the atmosphere, thick and heavy and black, swirling closer and closer towards me, threatening to knock me off my feet. I daren’t look away for fear it may take me. I daren’t blink for fear I may breach the dam that is holding back a river of tears that would not stop flowing. The effort is almost choking me.

How did the darkness find me? I thought I had outwitted it. My genuine positivity about the direction in which my life is moving had banished her far beneath the earth. But here she is. Dark and heavy and waiting to take control again. I didn’t let her in this time; this time someone else opened the door.

It’s a real good sign of how much you mean to people when you find yourself feeling down and sad and there’s no one there. Just you, alone with your tears and your thoughts whilst everyone else gets on with their business. I sometimes wonder if people would notice if I disappeared.

“Lord make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here…”