I find myself constantly bemoaning this never-ending lockdown,

This Winter confinement that doesn’t even hint at brighter days.

My head says, “just keep going” but my heart shouts “no more!”.

Nothing is like it was before.

These days I can’t remember what fuel my car takes because the only trip it makes is to work and back.

And on the rare occasion I go to a shop I have to stop to think about 4 digits that I’ve forgotten, even though I used to use them so often. 

Now, before work, I have to swab my throat and nose just in case it shows I’m COVID positive and I’ll have to

Stay at home,

Protect the NHS,

Save lives.

This time last year I’d never heard of test and trace.

Hands, face, space was more likely to be a kid’s party game than a way of life.

Back then, jabs in arms were what you gave to friends when you were larking around.

Hugs were things that were allowed, when two was company, but only three was a crowd.

Now a crowd is six, now we have to get our kicks online, with Zoom or FaceTime.  

Now there is no living in my living room.

Before, home-schooling was something we chose, for children who flourished in their own abodes, out-with the confines of a convoluted curriculum. 

Now mums wail “unfair” when their kid is in a Google classroom but yours gets a coveted place in the real thing.

Now we have to keep smiling to maintain the masquerade,

But the masks we wear these days are medical grade.

I used to go to the gym, or swim. Those things I used to do to stay slim.

Now loungewear is the only clothing I feel comfortable in, my only exercise is the walk from couch to biscuit tin.

These days I only see my parents from the waist up, when we’re wired up, never real, just virtual.

The kids press faces against a screen or wrap their arms around themselves to represent a hug they can’t give.

If someone had told me that I would live my life without permission to hug my loved ones, I’d have laughed.

Now I wish I’d hugged them more when I had the chance – who knows how long it will be before I get another? 

I miss everything about life before. I miss unexpected knocks at the door,

And impromptu catchups with friends that you don’t have to plan for.

I miss the ignorant bliss of a TV without news, or daily Press Conferences

Where the Government do their best to impress on us the rules and how safe our schools are.

I miss being able to jump in my car, drive however far my fancy takes me,

Or hop on a train for rooftop bars and margaritas, should that be my predilection.

But more than this, I miss intimacy and connection.

I miss the people that make me feel whole and put me on the right path when I am losing control.

I miss laughter, and fun, the kind you can only get with someone you can be you with.

(Not the you with three kids).

They say those times are coming, that there is a light at the end of this year-long tunnel,

But I am not so sure.

For now, I do my best to endure the suffocating air of these four walls,

And await the day that evil COVID falls.


Throwback to December 2019

I was just thinking about 2019, getting philosophical as the year end looms, as you do. I was about to write that it has been a year of ups and downs, and then it dawned on me that that’s life isn’t it? Life is about balance – excitement and boredom, sweet and sour, sickness and health, more and less, love and indifference, anger and peace; we have moments of utter joy and periods of immense sadness. I guess that’s what makes this life as rich and beautiful as it is – the contrasts that keep us ever on our toes.

But, you know what? I wouldn’t want it any other way. You can’t truly appreciate the light unless you’ve experienced the darkness.

This year I have dealt with personal emotional turmoil, fought a huge battle (and won), and started a new job in unfamiliar territory. I entered 2019 broken by a huge change in my life, but am leaving it stronger and happier than I have been in a long time.

I am not going to make resolutions, or big claims about how 2020 is going to be my year. Why? Because it is just going to be another year, isn’t it? Of course, I am hoping for some highs, and I am planning to keep improving myself and striving towards achieving some dreams. But, I also know that there will be challenges and curveballs. I know that there will be ups and downs.

If I have learned anything in 2019, it is to expect the unexpected, or expect nothing at all. Understand that things don’t happen for a reason, they just happen. They happen, and we handle them in the best way we can. Sometimes we get it wrong, other times we will get it gloriously right.

So, I step into 2020 with hopes, but without expectation. With anticipation, but without fear. What will be, will be. Welcome 2020, I will try to make the best of you ☺️