Surreal

This has to be the most surreal of my pregnancies. Perhaps because I am older? Or perhaps because it wasn’t in the plan? All I know is that even though I have a spare room full of baby things and a Moses basket all dressed and waiting for someone to fill it, I still look down at my belly and can’t quite believe there is a baby in there. I’ve gone through a number of emotional stages in this pregnancy. First trimester was basically pure panic , distress and breakdowns! Second trimester I found some calm and actually started to get excited about what was to be. Third trimester. Well I don’t know what to say. It’s like a kind of surreal nothing kind of feeling. Almost a practical reaction, like I know what has to be done (no going back now!), but still can’t get my head round the fact that there is a baby in there!

Tonight at the dinner table, my 5-yr old son asked “Mummy, why did we have to get another baby?” Tears pricked my eyes as I wracked my brain for an answer. What the heck should I say to that? Why did we have to get another one? And the wording was so apt – we did just seem to ‘get’ this one. We didn’t ask for it, we just got it. I guess that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I mean some of the best presents are surprises; things we didn’t ask for.

Anyway, whereas at the start I would have over-analysed and beaten myself up over how I feel and why I feel it, I’m just happy to accept that I feel how I feel. There’s no deeper meaning. It doesn’t mean I won’t be happy. It doesn’t mean I’ll love this baby any less than she deserves me to. And I might feel different tomorrow, because that’s the thing about feelings. They come and they go. They don’t always need that much attention. Just accept them for what they are and see what tomorrow brings ☺️

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