Today I feel like I’m just making a great big mess of everything. I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep, I’m shattered but can’t rest. Taking on a promotion into a role that is making huge demands on me in my final weeks was perhaps not my wisest decision. So much being asked of me, and I’m so passionate about it that I want to give it all.

By the evening, my tummy feels like it’s stretching to the point of bursting, and my back aches so bad! There’s a pain in my right hand side that hurts to touch it like I’m bruised. Perhaps the 5 hours of driving yesterday wasn’t a bright idea. There is a fleeting thought that I could be in labour. Don’t be silly! You’ve got 10 weeks left! But it happens doesn’t it.

And then there’s the movement – my god this baby is one bony little thing! I don’t often get that nice reassuring little kick or wiggle. It’s more like something clawing at my insides. Like someone who has been buried alive scratching to get out! The jabs come so hard at times I wonder if she is actually trying to hurt me!

And of course, all of this discomfort is really helping the mental state! Everyone is annoying me, I have no time for idle prattle, my children vex me to the point of shouting like a fish wife. Oh my, I hope this is just a phase. I’ve hit a lull and after a few days of rest I might start to feel brighter again? I hope so.

Just as I thought I’d put the blues behind me, today I find myself feeling pretty low. Tears are never far away these days and all in all I feel pretty ‘meh’. Week 29, into the final trimester, and the wonderful feelings of the 2nd trimester seem to have faded away. I feel overwhelmed and vulnerable. I’ve got baby names being thrown at me from every angle, criticism, advice, it all just makes my head feel like it is caving in.

Everything is an effort. Getting dressed, an effort. Taking a flight of stairs, an effort. Putting the washing on, effort. Listening to everyone’s opinions of what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, when I should be doing it, effort.

I feel like I want to curl up in a hidden corner, me and my bump, and stay there until the baby arrives. And I’m scared! More scared than I ever was approaching the end with my first two. Scared about when it’s going to happen, scared about how it will happen. Where will I be? What if I’m at work? What if I’m driving? What if I’m alone? What if something goes terribly wrong?

When the baby arrives, it is likely she will have no cot, no pram (all on back order) and worst of all, no name. She’s a nameless nothing and the burden of making sure she is something weighs heavy on my shattered mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I know that I am a way off D-Day just yet, but really? Can it not just be March already?!

I am 29 weeks pregnant today, so practically a whole trimester to go, but I can think of a million and one things I’d like to be doing rather than working right now!

Getting Organised

With 2 kids and full time jobs, organising our home has been the last thing on mine and dear husband’s minds. Our hall, stairs and landing has needed decorating for more than 5 years and we’ve accumulated all manner of crap in our 20-or-so years together! Knowing that things are just going to get a whole lot busier, plus the fact that with a baby comes a vast amount of paraphernalia, I reckon now is a good time to get organised. Sort through the junk, give the good stuff to people who need it, finish the decorating, deal with the snags (broken lights, damaged skirting boards and the like). Make our house perfect for the arrival of our little princess. The thought of adding a 5th persons’ stuff to our home without addressing the storage and decorating issues we already have fills me with dread. Seriously! I could vomit!! My poor husband is tired of the orders, haha! But it means that everything will be done and organised, and our house will be a complete home for our complete family. It will be a calm and orderly place to offset the craziness that is about to ensue!

Project Nursery

All this sorting and organising allows us to get to the exciting bit – decorating the nursery. It’s practically empty now, and we can get started on preparing and decorating ready for the arrival of the new furniture. And of course there is some really important stuff to do. I’ve got paper butterflies to make to adorn the walls, birdcages to fill with flowers and pearls, chintzy cushion covers to make and all sorts!! So who wants to be writing a Compliance Report when you could be spending your time making things pretty and getting ready for the arrival of a new baby! But none of that pays the bills I guess!

I’m sat at home with my laptop on my knee, and the little cherub is booting me as if to say “Put the laptop down Mummy, go make my room pretty.” I don’t remember feeling this level of fascination over my first two moving inside me. This time I could literally sit staring at my belly all day long, each little kick or wriggle acting as a form of communication between her and me. Who knew I’d be here from where I was just a few months ago! Who could believe that I thought my life was over! It is really just beginning.

I suppose for now I just need to find the motivation to carry on with work, keep doing my best to deliver what I’ve promised, and keep counting down the weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds until that last day in work in March when I can leave it all to someone else and begin a new chapter in my life. This is the last time I’ll be doing this (yeah, yeah I know I said that after number 2, but this one was mostly definitely an error!) so I am going to make this year count 😊

Do you ever get so tired that you just want the world to stop so you can unwind and savour the peace? So tired that every sound, every movement, cuts right through to your core like nails running down a blackboard? Ever get so tired that one false move from anyone close could light the fuse that is simmering inside you, and cause you to blow?

That’s me tonight. I have just screamed at my 5-year old son like some kind of wild banshee! After hours of little squabbles and answering back throughout the day, he dared to lean against the cupboard door into the freshly ironed shirts!! Does he not realise how knackered I was stood there ironing them?? Does he not know how much I hate ironing shirts?? Well, of course he doesn’t! He is only 5! But that didn’t stop me from losing it, and now I’m left with the guilt and embarrassment for my actions.

What must it sound like to a 5-year old when his mother screams at him unexpectedly? What goes through my husband’s mind when he hears it? Does he think his wife is crazy? A nutjob lunatic who can’t keep her cool? I daren’t even give too much thought to what I think my family think about me. I’m sure it isn’t good…

Tonight I feel a darkness closing in around me. A darkness that feels heavy on my shoulders and even heavier on my heart. It’s like there is a load on my chest, and it is making it hard for me to breathe. I can almost see the atmosphere, thick and heavy and black, swirling closer and closer towards me, threatening to knock me off my feet. I daren’t look away for fear it may take me. I daren’t blink for fear I may breach the dam that is holding back a river of tears that would not stop flowing. The effort is almost choking me.

How did the darkness find me? I thought I had outwitted it. My genuine positivity about the direction in which my life is moving had banished her far beneath the earth. But here she is. Dark and heavy and waiting to take control again. I didn’t let her in this time; this time someone else opened the door.

It’s a real good sign of how much you mean to people when you find yourself feeling down and sad and there’s no one there. Just you, alone with your tears and your thoughts whilst everyone else gets on with their business. I sometimes wonder if people would notice if I disappeared.

“Lord make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here…”

I’m seriously feeling the effects of being pregnant at (nearly) 40 as a working mum of 2! So much to do to get the house ready and organised, and the day to day stuff – ironing and washing and cleaning – doesn’t stop just cos there’s a bun in the oven! Every muscle in my body aches and I’m so tired but can’t go to bed when there’s so much to do, and can’t sleep when I do eventually get to bed!

Lots of pressure at work to complete some pretty big projects whilst losing hours to interview for my new team and my replacement. I need to have the energy and concentration I had pre-pregnancy to complete my workload so I can start to slow down, but that energy just isn’t there!

I had been feeling great. Positive, healthy, bright and even excited! Two weeks off over Christmas was just what I needed too, and it was great to be at home with the kids and not have anything to stress over other than what board game we might play or what pic to see at the cinema. But this week back at work has absolutely done me in. 4 full-on days including 2 with a commute to Leeds and I’m spent! But I have a deadline to meet for work that cannot be missed, so I’ve worked 11 hours today trying to get it done (without success). It was 10pm before I realised I hadn’t eaten lunch or dinner. Not good.

I just hope that this is short term pain for long term gain. I am ready for leaving work already 😔

And I don’t just mean the physical side!

Yesterday I was chatting to my boss about interviewing for my new team and how I hope to find my replacement among the interviewees. It feels like I’m running out of time, and I’m sooo tired I want to start slowing down but can’t until the team is in place. I still have 13 weeks to go until D-Day, but I can leave anytime from the 20th February to use my holidays so I don’t lose them. That’s only 5-6 weeks away!! Scary lol! My boss said not to worry if I don’t find my replacement among the applicants as we can look to bring in a contractor to cover me for 3-6 months. 3-6 months??!! I said “I could be off for up to a year”, to which he responded “I’m not letting you have a year off! I’m sure it was just a flippant, wishful thinking kind of comment, but good old ANT has been there ever since; “wow, I bet he’s regretting taking you on now! 12 months!! I bet he’s fuming!” I keep telling myself that it’s not my problem, that I have been open and honest from the start (in fact my boss was one of the first people that I told, long before there was any obligation for me to do so). I will shake it off. I’ve never given any indication that I expected to return to work early, so it’s not my fault if he has made that assumption.

However…I do feel guilty! They created this role with me in mind and had every opportunity to give the role to someone else without risking any discrimination concerns. I feel incredibly grateful for that, but must try and remember that I deserved to get the job too. I know I won’t allow the pressure to sway my own decisions, but really wish he hadn’t said it!

Then there’s the financial pressure. You see I was lucky enough to have saved enough to have been able to finance my year off with both my other children. That meant that my husband didn’t feel the financial pinch when I stopped providing my (not insignificant) share of the outgoings. This time it is different – this one wasn’t planned and therefore I haven’t been able to secure my financial independence to quite the same extent. Despite my husband earning significantly more than I do (when he gets a decent commission payment, because in fairness my recent promotion evened the stakes a little) he seems pretty indignant about the essential purchases that come with a new baby. He wants me to use the pram that we have in the garage that we used for the first two – it’s ok to look at, but let’s face it, technology has progressed somewhat in the last 10 years! Maybe he’s just kidding, but he’s mentioned it too many times now. When ANT gets her oar in I can find myself listening to her and she’s there whenever the subject of money comes up. “You got yourself into this mess so you can’t expect him to have to dig into his pockets!” And of course I know that’s not true. A) we both got into this ‘mess’ and B) as a partnership we have to work it out together, and C) I did my best with the first 2 so I shouldn’t feel guilty about not being able to help this time.

Well, there ends a rather moany blog! It’s been a rough couple of days. Back to work after 2 weeks off and I’m absolutely shattered! I will try and even up the score with a more positive blog tomorrow 😊

Note, ANT is the name I give to the voice in my head that likes to bring me down whenever she can – ‘Automatic Negative Thoughts’

Well, this baby sure is an active one! I don’t remember feeling half as much movement with my other 2 children. This one is certainly a mover! I’m 26 weeks pregnant now, and I’ve stopped counting the kicks because I keep losing count!

I wake up every morning around 4am needing the toilet (one of the joys of pregnancy) and as soon as I get back into bed she starts wriggling. It’s like I’ve changed the space by emptying my bladder and she has to get comfy again! As I am trying to sleep on my side now (as per medical advice, and my new Dreamgenii maternity pillow) it can be really uncomfortable as she wriggles into a new place. Generally I get back to sleep pretty quickly and I think she does too.

Alarm goes off at around 7:30, but I don’t really need to set it as I am either awakened by my 5-yr old son jumping into bed with me, or by my little wriggler, only now it is real ‘good morning’ kicks in the belly!

Throughout the day I get all sorts of movement – wriggles, squirming, somersaulting, kicking, hiccups, you name it! Often its a lovely feeling; like she’s reminding me that she’s there. Sometimes she gives me such a whack it takes me by surprise and I actually cry out! Sometimes it’s a horrible squirming feeling that makes me feel quite nauseous.

I can conjure a kick just by lying down on the sofa. As soon as I get comfy she’s guaranteed to come to life! I like that part as I lay and watch the movement inside my belly, transfixed with fascination. My daughter loves to watch too, and will place her hand on my bowling ball belly to feel the kicks.

At bedtime you can guarantee this little night owl will decide it is time to party! Just as I get comfy she starts to wriggle – not the nice, reassuring sweet little bumps, but full on turning over squirming movements that make me wriggle too! I’m not sure who gives in first but I do eventually fall asleep, although it has been known to be hours after I have taken myself to bed.

I don’t think I was as conscious of the movement with either of my previous pregnancies. In fact I tried not to think about it as the whole experience made me feel a bit off colour. But this time it fascinates me. I could lay forever watching my swollen belly for the ripples. What is she doing in there? What is she thinking? Is she thinking at all? Is she as excited to meet with the outside world as we are to meet with her? I’m going to miss this feeling, but can’t wait to hold her in my arms 😊

I wanted to post something uplifting and joyful, full of inspiration for the approach of the New Year. The fact is I feel pretty miserable today. Silly really because I have a lot to be thankful for and an exciting year ahead of me.

This is the first year since I was a teenager where I have nothing planned for tonight. Even last year with pneumonia I managed to rustle up a family get together. This year it’s just us; me, the husband and the kids at home, doing nothing. I guess we’ll be in bed before the New Year begins. I know it’s just one night, and it shouldn’t mean so much. I know that I should be able to find the joy in being at home with my nearest and dearest and accept that it is just another date on the calendar. But I can’t help but feel sad. Sad that all the people I usually see the New Year in with are off doing their thing this year and I’m not going to see them. Sad that I will probably be awake at midnight seeing the New Year in alone when the kids and husband are in bed. Sad that the little voice (that has been pretty quiet of late) is trying to make this all seem very significant – like some kind of a sign of things to come. Sadness and loneliness. It’s no way to see in the New Year.

Why not though? Why does it have to be all singing and dancing to be special? Surely that’s just habit – what we’ve always done. I will work hard today to see the good in a NYE spent alone with my little family, and try and stop these tears…