Pressure

And I don’t just mean the physical side!

Yesterday I was chatting to my boss about interviewing for my new team and how I hope to find my replacement among the interviewees. It feels like I’m running out of time, and I’m sooo tired I want to start slowing down but can’t until the team is in place. I still have 13 weeks to go until D-Day, but I can leave anytime from the 20th February to use my holidays so I don’t lose them. That’s only 5-6 weeks away!! Scary lol! My boss said not to worry if I don’t find my replacement among the applicants as we can look to bring in a contractor to cover me for 3-6 months. 3-6 months??!! I said “I could be off for up to a year”, to which he responded “I’m not letting you have a year off! I’m sure it was just a flippant, wishful thinking kind of comment, but good old ANT has been there ever since; “wow, I bet he’s regretting taking you on now! 12 months!! I bet he’s fuming!” I keep telling myself that it’s not my problem, that I have been open and honest from the start (in fact my boss was one of the first people that I told, long before there was any obligation for me to do so). I will shake it off. I’ve never given any indication that I expected to return to work early, so it’s not my fault if he has made that assumption.

However…I do feel guilty! They created this role with me in mind and had every opportunity to give the role to someone else without risking any discrimination concerns. I feel incredibly grateful for that, but must try and remember that I deserved to get the job too. I know I won’t allow the pressure to sway my own decisions, but really wish he hadn’t said it!

Then there’s the financial pressure. You see I was lucky enough to have saved enough to have been able to finance my year off with both my other children. That meant that my husband didn’t feel the financial pinch when I stopped providing my (not insignificant) share of the outgoings. This time it is different – this one wasn’t planned and therefore I haven’t been able to secure my financial independence to quite the same extent. Despite my husband earning significantly more than I do (when he gets a decent commission payment, because in fairness my recent promotion evened the stakes a little) he seems pretty indignant about the essential purchases that come with a new baby. He wants me to use the pram that we have in the garage that we used for the first two – it’s ok to look at, but let’s face it, technology has progressed somewhat in the last 10 years! Maybe he’s just kidding, but he’s mentioned it too many times now. When ANT gets her oar in I can find myself listening to her and she’s there whenever the subject of money comes up. “You got yourself into this mess so you can’t expect him to have to dig into his pockets!” And of course I know that’s not true. A) we both got into this ‘mess’ and B) as a partnership we have to work it out together, and C) I did my best with the first 2 so I shouldn’t feel guilty about not being able to help this time.

Well, there ends a rather moany blog! It’s been a rough couple of days. Back to work after 2 weeks off and I’m absolutely shattered! I will try and even up the score with a more positive blog tomorrow 😊

Note, ANT is the name I give to the voice in my head that likes to bring me down whenever she can – ‘Automatic Negative Thoughts’

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