Obsession

Posted on by Bluemama

I am actually beginning to worry that I may spend the next year sat on this sofa, just staring at my baby girl! She is 2 weeks old tomorrow and that is pretty much how I’ve spent the first 2 weeks of her life! I am absolutely besotted with her, to the point that I think my heart could burst.  Every now and again a tiny little voice starts to whisper concerns about something happening to my precious little girl, but I have some allies up there in that mind of mine swatting those thoughts away like pesky midges. I think right now the worst that could happen to my baby is that I could kill her with love, if that were possible! 

It helps that she is the easiest baby I could have dreamed of. She literally sleeps all day, waking only to feed (sometimes I have to wake her!) Generally speaking she has woken for just one feed in the night.  Don’t get me wrong, there are always moments of frustration. I’ve not quite mastered a routine that allows for cooking a meal at a time that doesn’t end up coinciding with a feed (I am currently breastfeeding, so this limits the delegation opportunities somewhat). There’s time for routine, but it would be good to get that sorted soon so my husband and I can have a stress-free meal.  

Last night she woke for a feed at 2am, which is about usual. Except this time she didn’t settle back down to sleep afterwards and I think I fed her 4 times between her waking and finally going to sleep at 4:30am. It doesn’t matter how much I adore this child, that love cannot conquer the way you feel when you are forced to be awake for nearly 3 hours in the middle of the night! And however much my dear husband tried to help, which I appreciate, the tiredness gets in the way of the appreciation and we pretty much communicate in whispered barks of annoyance! One or both of us can be quoted as saying “I don’t know what she wants” or “What should we do now?” most nights! Doesn’t matter how good your baby is, or how much you love them – lack of sleep has a knack of wiping away all the good stuff and leaving you with the shit! Good thing is that when the morning comes and I see her little face again, all that is forgotten and I fall in love with her all over again.

The other kids are adjusting relatively well. My daughter (she’s 10) is like a little mother hen. Always wanting cuddles and helping out whenever and however she can. You can see the love radiating from her whenever she is near her baby sister, and it warms my heart and soul. My son (he’s 5) is a bit less interested, but it is a healthy interest – just enough to show that he doesn’t have a negative opinion of her. If he was too interested I fear I would create a divide by constantly stopping him from doing what he might think is okay to do with a new baby. I am thanking my lucky stars that he appears more interested in Minecraft than his baby sister! We’ve had a few moments with him, which concerns me, and I need to try and get some balance back as I fear he is missing out on my influence at the moment. We’ve had a few “I hate you!”, “You’re a nasty mummy!” and “I wish you wasn’t my mummy!” outbursts recently, which is new. We’ve always had a very loving relationship – I need to work hard to get some of his routine back into place as soon as possible. 

Generally speaking though, life is good so far.  If I had known at the beginning of this journey that this baby was going to be a bright light at the end of an incredibly dark tunnel, I could have saved myself a lot of tears and heartache. Those first selfish fears about how my life would never be the same again (not in a good way) seem ludicrous now that she’s here. It is like she has been here forever. And I’m glad my life will never be the same again, because I can’t imagine a life that doesn’t have her in it.

Shake It Off

Posted on by Bluemama

  

I couldn’t be happier with my new life as a mum again, spending time at home with my perfect little family, no longer caught up in the rat race. Small things like being able to do a load of washing and get it dried and ironed in the same day are amazingly satisfying! I can truly appreciate how hard I worked at my full time job as well as trying to keep a home, now that I am able to reflect.  I am really looking forward to the months ahead, and plan to enjoy every moment of my maternity leave. So far my lovely new daughter is making it easy for me to enjoy some time to rest.  She really is a dream at the moment, and is making it easy for me to look forward to the year ahead. 

I have been overwhelmed by the cards and gifts, and kind words of so many people who have welcomed my dear daughter into the world. It gives me great pleasure to share moments with my friends and social media because the comments that people make add to the pride I feel at having created such a beautiful little human being.  I shouldn’t really be surprised – my other two children are beautiful too!

Unfortunately there are a couple of people in my life who have disappointed me at a time when I would have hoped for more. I’ve allowed that to tinge my otherwise happy day with a hint of sadness. In the words of Taylor Swift, I am really trying to shake it off, and I will I’m sure. I guess something as amazing as the birth of a beautiful baby in the family isn’t enough to incite even a tiny glimpse of decency, humility or consideration from some people. That says a lot more about them than anything. I really don’t know why I allow myself to be disappointed by people who do not give any reason to expect anything of a positive nature from them. 

Shake it off, shake it off!

 

No time for blogging!

Posted on by Bluemama

My beautiful baby girl is 10 days old today. I am afraid to say that the last 10 days have been an absolute dream! She is such a good baby (so far – I am not resting on my laurels; any parent knows that babies can be unpredictable!), waking only to feed every 3-4 hours. In fact she’s positively boring, lol!! I find myself sitting just staring at her perfect little face. I may as well cancel Sky TV as I just don’t seem to watch it anymore. I guess those quiet moments are when I could be posting on here, but the hours just seem to whizz by. 

I’ve spent the last 10 days with this baby very differently to the first two. With my first babies I felt like I should be up on my feet as soon as possible, proving to the world that I could be superwoman. I didn’t ask for help, or gratefully accept it when offered. I went out too soon, accepted visitors when I wasn’t physically or emotionally ready. I operated according to what everyone else seemed to want or think I should be doing.

This time is different. Perhaps because I am wiser. Perhaps because I am mentally stronger. Or perhaps because I am a lot older now and just can’t function like I used to! At any rate, this time it is on my terms and I feel great as a result.  Not putting yourself under pressure as a new mum is fundamental to your physical and mental wellbeing. Apart from one visit to a local baby store (which I later regretted due to the onslaught of after pains and return of post-natal bleeding), I have remained at home with my baby. I’ve got up every morning and showered, put a bit of make up on and blow dried my hair so I look and feel like me. I’ve turned visitors down if I’ve felt I needed to rest. I’ve watched movies whilst my baby is sleeping, to thoroughly relax and enjoy the break from work. I’ve even managed to nod off on the sofa a few times (I could never manage that with the first two).  The housework is getting done (what needs to be done) but I am not concerned about dusting and hoovering every day! The washing and ironing gets done (sometimes with help from the ironing fairy, aka my mother in law!). 

I am breastfeeding on demand, which can feel like a chore sometimes, particularly as you can’t hand the feeding over to somebody else. There have been days when it has felt like my dear daughter has been permanently attached to my breast, and I have to work hard to change the thought from “for f**k sake, not again!” to “Oh, we are a hungry baby today aren’t we!” It’s not that effective, but I’ll keep trying to convince myself. But anyway, when I look at her little face all the frustration goes away. She is beautiful and I am smitten. 

I will continue to blog, and share my experiences of being a new mum again. I have always said I will be candid and share real life on here and my intention was to help others see that they are not alone when darkness falls. However right now, I’m afraid I can only share a positive story that may well irritate those new mums who aren’t having as great a time as me. I am incredibly lucky to have been blessed with a (thus far) easy baby. There will be bumps in the road, but just now I cannot complain. For now I will count my blessings and enjoy this time with my beautiful girl. I believe she was sent here to teach me a few things about life. One of the first lessons I have learned is to embrace the gifts we are given and to dare to dream that sometimes good things do actually happen. 

Welcome to the World

Posted on by Bluemama

Well, I feel I should apologise to anyone who has read my posts up to Friday only to be left in suspense! Things moved on that day and I can now announce the arrival of our beautiful, most perfect daughter. 

I left you in the early hours of Friday morning where I was waiting to hear what the next steps would be. I was examined and told that my body had made no progress since the previous day and that I would be given a prostin Pessary to try and move things along. And that’s what they did – it should work within 6 hours.  Should! It didn’t. I was taken for a further examination at around 4:30pm where I was told that my cervix was still tilted back and only 1cm dilated. I was absolutely devastated – the delivery of a baby was starting to feel like a far off target and I didn’t know how much I could take.  The examination itself was excruciating and I couldn’t contain the screams! The poor midwife! My best friend heard me from the ward. They decided that there was nothing more they could do in triage and that I needed to go to the delivery suite for a second prostin pessary.  The midwife said that I would not be able to cope with my waters being broken and advised gas and air for any further examinations.  Within an hour I was taken up to the delivery suite where I was met by the midwife whose hands I would now be in.  She told me she would attempt to breaks my waters and set up the gas and air.

At this point I became very concerned about the Group B Strep as I had my head filled with all the horror stories and warnings about the danger of waters breaking without the antibiotics being administered.  The midwife was calm, and showed no concern at all for the GBS.  She said she would attempt to break my waters, and if successful I should have a bath to freshen up. She planned to put the cannular in and deliver the IV antibiotics at 18:40 and was happy as long as I had them in my system for 2 hours (adding that she hoped I didn’t deliver any quicker!). 

I dreaded the internal.  But she was amazing, and with the help of gas and air my waters were released in seconds. And she informed me that in the time that had passed since the previous internal on the triage ward, I had progressed somewhat – my cervix was no longer posterior and I was 4 dilated. The IV went in at 19:00 (ish) and I delivered a perfect, healthy little girl at 21:07!! 

I could recount the entire labour experience, I could tell you about finding out that I could get through an intense contraction purely by talking!! I could tell you about the gas and air and hysterical fits of laughter. And I could tell you about the pushing part where the pain relief was abandoned  and I took myself off into a zone where only I could get this baby out.  I could tell you all about how much it hurt, how I cried that I couldn’t give any more, the panic that set in every time I lost the urge to push and I felt my baby retreat back up the birth canal. But we all know that every labour is different , and no matter what kind of delivery you have at some point it is going to hurt like hell!

Or I could tell you that none of that matters now that I am home with the most perfect baby girl I could ever have hoped for. All of the fears and worries of the last 9 months were completely unfounded.  My baby girl may as well have come out with her fingers stuck up and a sign saying “Fuck you ‘Ant’!”  Because that is why I think she is here.  She was brought into my life to teach me some lessons, but most of all she was sent to me to show me that you really can dare to dream, and once and for all kick my old ‘friend’ ANT well and truly to the curb.  Of course there will be times that I will have normal worries and concerns.  But I cannot and will not allow that negative force to consume any more of my life. I’m confident I can do this – do you know why?  Because of this… 

10th April 2015 21:07 7lbs 4oz

Still not D-Day?

Posted on by Bluemama

So here’s the latest in the delivery drama.  I’m going to describe some of the gory details here so if you are particularly squeamish or coy I guess you should go read something else!  

I came in to hospital on Wednesday to be induced.  Method here in the UK is to attempt to artificially rupture the membranes (break your waters), if the expectant mother’s cervix is in a position to allow it.  Yes you’ve guessed it, my cervix was posterior and closed so that wasn’t possible, and a propess pessary was inserted.  Lovely little thing, kind of like a tampon but with a ribbon long enough to use to tie your hair in bunches afterwards! It is inserted behind your cervix and has the role of getting everything up there soft and ready. The intention is that the propess remains up there for 24 hours, or until something happens.  That something could be simply getting the cervix ready, to stimulating labour to the point that the mum is fully dilated and goes into labour. 

After about 8 hours of having the propess inserted, I began to have intense abdominal pain every 2 minutes.  Felt like contractions to me (remember this is baby number 3 for me). The pain began niggling right in the area you can imagine your cervix to be, then quickly rose to an almost unbearable level before moving round my back and easing off.  Yay! I was surely in labour!! Nay! Was I heck!!

Aside: I had been on a ward with a girl called Ellen in the bed next to me.  She had the propess too, about an hour and a half before me.  Throughout the night we were matching each other pain for pain. Separated by just a curtain we were partners in pain as each contraction rose and fell.  She cried out for pain relief after a considerable number of hours like that.  I figured I could go a bit longer before ‘caving in’.  I’ve had two babies with zero pain relief, a fact I wear like a trophy that shows I am a strong woman!! It also shows I am a stupid woman, because trust me labour fekking hurts so I don’t know why I don’t just take the meds!!  

I think it must have been about 4am when the girl had some codeine, and a little later she upped the ante and asked for diamorphine. Still we matched each other contraction for contraction in a relentless 8 hour onslaught of pain that hit us at 2 minute intervals.  At about 4:30am I had an internal examination which delivered the blow that there had been no change at all in my cervix.  All that pain had been for nothing. About half an hour later my ward-mate was examined and told the same. We were both gutted.  Exhausted by the pain and lack of sleep, we both laid and cried in disappointment. 

At around 7am my partner in pain called the midwife and asked for diamorphine. She didn’t come right away and by 8am she was shouting for an epidural.  She was examined there in the bed next to me.  I stood there in horror 10 minutes later as she began to shout that she was pushing! We weren’t even in the delivery suite! Panic ensues and the midwives try and get her in a wheelchair, but her waters break (I heard the splash on the tiled floor and the panic in the poor girl’s voice). I was shaking and crying – it was frightening, especially after a night without sleep.  A midwife saw me and asked if I wanted to leave and I made a swift exit.  I was traumatised! Having spent the evening listening to induced labours and seeing women go into labour and be whisked off to the delivery suite, hearing their pain and their cries all through the night, this was all too much. I sat and cried uncontrollably, and then I heard the cry of a baby and knew she’d had her baby right there in the bed next to mine and they didn’t get a chance to take her where she needed to be!! From that point in I began to panic that the same would happen to me. Except what my body actually did was put itself into survival mode and decide that today was not a good day to go into labour and everything stopped; no more pains, nothing! Remarkable what the human body is capable of.  The midwife said “if you were a wild animal giving birth and a predator attacked, labour would stop immediately and the animal would protect itself until it was safe to begin the labour process again.” Fascinating.  My body said “now is not a good time for any of that malarkey” and stopped playing.

Which is what led me to an examination yesterday afternoon that delivered the second blow of the hospital visit – still no change after 24 hours.  I laid on the table and cried and cried. If you’ve read any of my earlier posts you will know how anxious I have been about whether this baby will be ok. To go from expecting to meet her one day, to realising that this wasn’t going to happen any time soon was a devastating blow.  Add to that the sheer despair that comes from a painful night without sleep, and you’ve got a blubbering wreck on the examination table.

At this point the propess was removed. Which was a relief, as it has to be one of the most unhygienic experiences of my life. Warning: gross bit coming up! Ok, so if you ever have a propess Pessary inserted and have to go to the toilet for a pee, make sure that ribbon is tucked up where it should be or you are going to pee on it.  If you fail to remember this point, please do not be surprised if, like me, you spend 24 hours smelling like you ought to be in a retirement home! So get it tucked up there ladies or it ain’t pleasant, take it from someone who found out the hard way! 😳

Plan was to put me on the monitor and decide the next course of action, which was likely to be a faster release Pessary.  Waited 4 hours for said monitoring to even begin, during which it was recorded that those 2-minute pains had returned.  As a result of those tightenings (not regular enough to be considered contractions), the doctors made the decision not to move to the next stage. They were afraid that with me already experiencing quite intense and relatively regular tightenings, the prostin Pessary could accelerate labour at a rate that could be potentially dangerous to baby and incredibly painful for me. They agreed to leave my body to see if it would progress naturally, and let me get some rest, ready to start again Friday morning (just a few hours from my time of writing, which is 3am as I have been rudely awakened from the best sleep I have had in weeks by the most horrendous snoring woman and her equally annoying snoring partner who now occupy the bed beside me!). 

Nothing has progressed naturally through the night. In fact if I didn’t know better, I feel like I haven’t been through any of the last 36 hours at all!! My body has returned to the state it was in before I came into hospital.  My bits and pieces no longer feel like they are falling out, and I have finally managed to have a poo! Yay!! So I guess that means that today is going to feel like I’m starting from scratch and I fear the same is going to happen and I will hit another dead end.  At least the prostin is only a 6-hour process. I have the pleasure again of more painfully intrusive internal examinations, where ultimately the midwives will be aiming to break my waters and kickstart labour.  Warning do not Google images of this process! I mean who in their right mind would Google that during their hospital stay???! 😳 <sheepishly backs away whilst remembering vision of large crochet hook>

So I am going to attempt to get some more sleep (not easy with the snoreasauruses next to me), and look forward (!) to what the new day will bring. Will I get to meet my baby today? That is anyone’s guess.

D-day?

Posted on by Bluemama

I guess I thought today would be the day, with me going in to be induced.  That’s what happened with my son – went into hospital at about 9am, midwife attempted (without success) to break my waters, went into labour naturally later that day and gave birth at 22:11.  So surely it would be a similar pattern this time? Except this time with it being number 3 it would all happen much quicker, right?!

Wrong!!

I’m being induced because my local hospital prefers not to allow us older mums (40+) to go overdue.  So I was booked in for the due date (today) and advised to go along to the hospital at 11am.  It was 1:30pm before the propess pessary was inserted.  It’s now nearly 11pm and there is not a sign that this baby is planning on joining us any time soon! I’ve been getting pain in my abdomen and across my back pretty much every 3-5 minutes, but it’s not something I can’t cope with so I’m guessing it can’t be labour?! You’d think with me having had 2 children already I might have an idea, but I just don’t know what the feeling is and whether it’s just a pain related to everything that’s going on down there, or if it is labour starting to progress.  God knows!! What I do know is that today has been one of the longest days of my life and I’m starting to feel that there is still no light at the end of this tunnel.  Praying for a clear sign very soon.

Update: 04:38

Just had the worst news ever. Things were started 15 hours ago and I have been having regular pains across my abdomen (every 2 mins). All was looking good, but I’ve just had an examination. I would have been happy  with 1cm even, but nothing?? Nothing at all. Cervix is still posterior. No dilation. Not even a millimetre.

Fed Up!

Posted on by Bluemama

Today I am feeling particularly sorry for myself! I know I should be excited about the imminent arrival and the miracle of birth, but quite frankly I just feel miserable. I don’t think I can even articulate how I feel or why I feel it. Perhaps I’m just worn out with all this pregnancy business. Fed up of sitting around waiting for a life to happen. I can’t even stand and peel a potato without swelling up like a balloon, so I’m sat on the sofa watching crap on TV and thinking about all the things I could be doing, places I could be going.  

I’m scared that I’m not thinking about the baby as an exciting thing. Right now I’m trusting on instincts, and the fact that I have no choice, that I will love her when she’s here. But there’s a dark cloud forming, and it is making me uneasy. And because my overthinking brain tells me that any negative thoughts about the baby will be repaid with disappointing results, I’m working overtime to paint the smile on and tell everyone how excited I am to meet my baby girl.  I am excited. Excited to get my body back.  And I’ll be glad to get the anxiety over with and see that she is ok. Past that, I can’t say that feeding, changing or sleepless nights are filling me with much excitement.  Breasts leaking milk, every step I take being ruled by one little person, not being able to go out on my own because of feeding routines. Never being me again. Right now that is all I can think about. That makes me an awful person I guess.

I expect there will be people reading this (not that I have many readers!) thinking I am an unpleasant, ungrateful and selfish woman. Having babies is truly a miracle and I get there are many women who dream of a child and cannot have one of their own.  But this blog was never intended to say what I thought people wanted to hear. This is my therapy. This is what stops me from having to say the things I feel to those closest to me who might judge me or struggle to understand.  I wish I felt differently. I wish I had all the ‘right’ feelings about the pregnancy and the baby. All I can hope is that this is some kind of defence mechanism. That my mind knows how much concern I’ve had about delivering a healthy baby, that it has decided to underplay my feelings to protect me. When she’s here the mist will clear and I will be free to love. I sure hope so.

I’m hoping this is ‘ANT’ working her black magic on me.  Although she has learned some pretty covert tactics because this time it doesn’t feel like her work. I’m sincerely hoping that the next few days will show me how wrong my ‘old friend’ can be and finally help me to kick her into touch. I don’t want to live my life in her shadow anymore.

The Seven Deadly Sounds

Posted on by Bluemama

So I am laid in bed wide awake at stupid o’clock and can’t get back to sleep because there is a snoreasaurus in the bed next to me. And as I lie here wanting to punch said snoring animal because it is driving me nuts, I get to thinking about the sensitivity and irritation that is caused by certain noises.  It must be one of the symptoms of my highly-strung personality, because I am sure most people do not feel the urge to kill rising upon hearing a certain noise!

  1. Snoring – obvious one I know, but this one has to be in the top spot.  I think it has something to do with timing – generally it is when I am trying to sleep, and when I am shattered but can’t sleep through the constant pig grunts that it fills me with despair!
  2. Chewing – the sound of anyone chewing drives me nuts. Doesn’t matter what they are chewing (some people have a particular aversion to people chewing gum), I feel my insides churning up and it is all I can do not to scream at the perpetrator! I think crunching fits into this category too.  Loud crunching of say, cereal, is enough to send me over the edge!
  3. Dripping tap – again another obvious one. We’ve got a leaky tap in the en suite that drip, drip, drips into the bath. If we go to bed and forget to close the bathroom door then I’m done for! If I wake up and that tap is dripping, there’s no going back to sleep for me. 
  4. Cold-related noises – I’m talking coughs, sneezes and sniffles. Wow, that’s a hot topic in this house at the minute with a husband and 2 children full of cold!! With every sniff I want to scream “blow your fekking nose will you!!!”.  Coughing annoys me if it is persistent, and I can’t help myself from barking “go get a drink for gods sake!!!” when it gets too much! Sneezes aren’t too bad, except that my husband has the most annoying attention-seeking-blow-your-head-off kind of sneeze that winds me up if I’m in the wrong kind of mood!!
  5. Buzzing. Not from creatures, but from electrical equipment mainly. We have a lamp that buzzes for some reason. My husband could never hear it, but even with the TV on I would be driven to distraction and have to switch the thing off. We have changed the bulb now, which seems to have rectified the problem.
  6. Whining. Kids. 2 of them. Hearing them whinge at each other and bicker (as siblings often do) drives me nuts!
  7. Clocks. The ticking kind. Again this is limited to the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep. If I sleep anywhere other than home and there is a ticking clock in the room, I have to remove it or bury it in a drawer somewhere.

There are probably more, so I may add to this at a later stage. For now, there are just the seven deadly sounds that could be enough to incite violence! And I am not a violent person at all. I guess my response to these sounds varies dependant on how much sleep I’ve had, and my mood at any given time. I’m sure someone somewhere could give this anxiety a name (other than me just being plain neurotic!).   For now, I’ve gone into the spare room to try and get some noise-free sleep 😴😴😴

Getting Closer

Posted on by Bluemama

In 4 days I will be going into hospital to give birth to my baby girl. I can’t believe it is nearly here! Last night I realised how many questions I have for the medical professionals but fear I may have left it too late to ask them now! Let’s hope I make it to my antenatal appointment on Tuesday and can ask the midwife (who I can bet you won’t know the answers!).  I’m a bit apprehensive about being induced when I have Group B Strep. Need to ask about the order in which they do things so I can be clear about when to expect the antibiotics etc.  I’ve had a couple of nightmares over the last few nights, and I think they are driving the anxiety. 

In my first dream, I found myself at the hospital just after having given birth to a healthy baby girl. My best friend was packing up my stuff for us to leave (she’s a strong believer in getting home ASAP whereas is stay in forever if it meant getting looked after!) and then I realised I hadn’t told the midwife about the GBS! No precautions had been taken to protect the baby from infection, and after a few grave looks from the midwife my baby was whipped away to SCBU. That’s when I woke up so I don’t know what happened next. I don’t think it has helped that although my maternity notes are plastered with GBS warning stickers, the consultant at the hospital has never quite understood that I have tested positive in THIS pregnancy, not any other!! Doesn’t fill you with much confidence does it!! 

The next night I dreamt that my waters broke at home and I was alone so had to get myself to the hospital quick so I could get the much needed IV antibiotics. Suddenly some kind of drone-robot thing was flying at me shooting, preventing my exit.  I had to get passed it and get myself to hospital but everywhere I turned there it was.  Some time passed whilst I battled with the thing, and I finally made it to the hospital.  This time I made it really clear that I had GBS and needed antibiotics.  The midwives acknowledged me and off they went to get what I needed, except they never came back. They were busy running around doing their job, but never returned to me to give me the vital medication. Again, I woke up so I have no idea how this ended.  I have a vague recollection of searching hospital cupboards for the medication so I could self-administer, but can’t tell you how that worked out!

I knows these are normal worries.  Every expectant mum will experience some level of anxiety as they approach  D-day.  It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been there, labour is unpredictable, and giving birth to a healthy baby is a miracle! And if you have any risks or complications, those worries are clearly going to be amplified as the date draws nearer. 

I did some research on GBS last night. More research! And I know that the Internet can be dangerous when you are already worried about things, but this was really useful. Firstly the article shared the odds of a baby becoming infected with GBS.  Without diagnosis, and therefore the necessary antibiotics, the odds were in the low 100’s.  With a diagnosis and antibiotics, those odds dropped dramatically to around 1:6000.  So I’m in a good place, because we know I have tested positive, and (as long as neither of my dreams come true and the hospital is switched on) I will get what I need to give my baby the best chance.  

What will be will be, I have no control over it. Today I am more excited than scared.  Oh, and want to hear something funny? My blood group is B Positive! I had to smile at the irony of that yesterday!! 

Scared

Posted on by Bluemama

I’m scared

So scared I’ll never hold you in my arms
Scared you are going to come to harm, if not before then after and you’ll be taken away.
I have never wished so hard for a day to come.
I just want this to be done, so I can have you here, hear your cry and feel your heartbeat against my chest.

I wish there was some way of knowing,
Confidence that you are in there growing strong enough to fight your way into the world.
I let my guard down, allowed myself to get carried away with pink bows and pretty things – 
Your room is beautiful; I sit in there nearly every day, rocking in the chair imagining you are there with me.
And then I imagine coming home without you and I don’t know what I would do if that were to happen.

This journey has been such a long one, and now we’re nearly done I need to know you are going to be alright.
With every ounce you have grown, I have grown to love you more than you will ever know. 
And so I need you to fight little one, fight against whatever my body throws your way, and make it into this world ok.