Obsession

I am actually beginning to worry that I may spend the next year sat on this sofa, just staring at my baby girl! She is 2 weeks old tomorrow and that is pretty much how I’ve spent the first 2 weeks of her life! I am absolutely besotted with her, to the point that I think my heart could burst.  Every now and again a tiny little voice starts to whisper concerns about something happening to my precious little girl, but I have some allies up there in that mind of mine swatting those thoughts away like pesky midges. I think right now the worst that could happen to my baby is that I could kill her with love, if that were possible! 

It helps that she is the easiest baby I could have dreamed of. She literally sleeps all day, waking only to feed (sometimes I have to wake her!) Generally speaking she has woken for just one feed in the night.  Don’t get me wrong, there are always moments of frustration. I’ve not quite mastered a routine that allows for cooking a meal at a time that doesn’t end up coinciding with a feed (I am currently breastfeeding, so this limits the delegation opportunities somewhat). There’s time for routine, but it would be good to get that sorted soon so my husband and I can have a stress-free meal.  

Last night she woke for a feed at 2am, which is about usual. Except this time she didn’t settle back down to sleep afterwards and I think I fed her 4 times between her waking and finally going to sleep at 4:30am. It doesn’t matter how much I adore this child, that love cannot conquer the way you feel when you are forced to be awake for nearly 3 hours in the middle of the night! And however much my dear husband tried to help, which I appreciate, the tiredness gets in the way of the appreciation and we pretty much communicate in whispered barks of annoyance! One or both of us can be quoted as saying “I don’t know what she wants” or “What should we do now?” most nights! Doesn’t matter how good your baby is, or how much you love them – lack of sleep has a knack of wiping away all the good stuff and leaving you with the shit! Good thing is that when the morning comes and I see her little face again, all that is forgotten and I fall in love with her all over again.

The other kids are adjusting relatively well. My daughter (she’s 10) is like a little mother hen. Always wanting cuddles and helping out whenever and however she can. You can see the love radiating from her whenever she is near her baby sister, and it warms my heart and soul. My son (he’s 5) is a bit less interested, but it is a healthy interest – just enough to show that he doesn’t have a negative opinion of her. If he was too interested I fear I would create a divide by constantly stopping him from doing what he might think is okay to do with a new baby. I am thanking my lucky stars that he appears more interested in Minecraft than his baby sister! We’ve had a few moments with him, which concerns me, and I need to try and get some balance back as I fear he is missing out on my influence at the moment. We’ve had a few “I hate you!”, “You’re a nasty mummy!” and “I wish you wasn’t my mummy!” outbursts recently, which is new. We’ve always had a very loving relationship – I need to work hard to get some of his routine back into place as soon as possible. 

Generally speaking though, life is good so far.  If I had known at the beginning of this journey that this baby was going to be a bright light at the end of an incredibly dark tunnel, I could have saved myself a lot of tears and heartache. Those first selfish fears about how my life would never be the same again (not in a good way) seem ludicrous now that she’s here. It is like she has been here forever. And I’m glad my life will never be the same again, because I can’t imagine a life that doesn’t have her in it.

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2 thoughts on “Obsession

  1. First, let me congratulate you on the birth of your healthy, lovely baby girl. (I’m sorry my wishes are so late — school is back in session, my 91 y/o mom has been ill, so I’m behind on my blog reading.)

    I’m glad that your little girl has become a bright spot in your life (even with the interrupted sleep). I’m glad she made it safely into the world … and I’m glad that she has such a warm-hearted, loving mother.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you again for your kind words. Sorry to hear your mum has been ill. I hope she’s on the mend – I guess that’s not easy at such a good age. Thanks again x

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