Catastrophic Thinking

I’m scared. I’ve got so many thoughts running through my head about delivering my baby, none of which have a happy ending. I’m scared that if I don’t write them down, these thoughts will drive me mad over the next 7 weeks. I’m scared that if I do write them down I’ll be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Want to know what I’m scared about? If you are in the later stages of pregnancy you’ve probably thought these things yourself, but I doubt you’d tell the world! I guess the only response we can expect to receive would be along the lines of “there’s nothing you can do about it so there’s no point worrying”, “don’t be silly, you’re going to be fine”, “you were fine with the first two”. Yeah, well none of that scares the worry away.

So what am I actually scared of?

I am scared there will be something wrong with my baby. That they’ve missed something important on previous scans, or that there is an underlying issue that won’t be picked up until after she is here.

I am scared about not being able to control when I go into labour. Scared that I won’t be ready, that I will be in the wrong place at the wrong time, scared that no-one will be there with me.

I am scared that I won’t be able to do it. What if she gets stuck in there like my first child? What if I just don’t have it in me to push her out?

I’m scared that if I am able to do it, something is going to go wrong and my baby won’t survive it.

I am scared that if I am able to do it, something is going to go wrong and I won’t survive it.

I am scared that it will all happen too quickly for them to get the IV antibiotics into my system and my baby will be taken from me before I can hold her (reference Group B Strep).

I am scared that I may have to have a planned Caesarian Section if my placenta is still low-lying. The idea of going under the knife petrifies me.

The possible C-Section brings with it a whole host of other fears…

I am scared that under local anaesthetic I will not be able to handle what is happening to me.

I am scared that under General anaesthetic I won’t wake up.

I am scared that if they take my baby away and I can’t hold her and feed her like I did after my 2 natural births that I won’t bond with her and I may trigger the return of an old enemy (reference post-natal depression).

I am consumed by an overwhelming fear that something will happen to my baby and I will never experience the fruits of the last 9 months. And I am scared that if something happens to me, I will never see my family again.

There, I’ve said it. Do I feel better? Nope. Tears are now pricking at the corners of my eyes as I realise just how many catastrophic thoughts have been running riot in my head. No wonder I am exhausted! I’m sure these are all natural worries, that a lot of expectant mothers have some or all of these concerns at one time or another. I’m not special or unique. And what percentage of those mothers go on to have straightforward deliveries, beautiful babies and survive the ordeal?!

But my old friend ‘Ant’ is back (reference Automatic Negative Thoughts) and she’s telling me the good times are up…

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