I have woken up smiling for 2 days now. That might not sound like a big deal, but it seems such a long time since that happened, and I can recognise myself in the mirror again. For weeks I’ve not quite known who that person staring back at me was, or what she was thinking. She always stared back so expressionless that I couldn’t read her. This morning it was my reflection I saw. I looked long and hard for her but she was nowhere to be seen. I’ve known her far too long to kid myself that she isn’t lurking back there somewhere, but for now she is gone, and with her went the emptiness.
And do you know what is amazing? The day she left was the day my baby properly said hello. Last night it felt like there was a party going on in there! It was like she left, and my baby was free to make ‘himself’ known. Boy, was I pleased to feel him.
I still have a long way to go. I’ve been on this journey for many years, and no matter how many times I find myself, she is always there hiding in the shadows. And I am not going to kid myself or any of you that I am suddenly blooming in this pregnancy. It is still like an alien invasion, and I still feel like I have lost all control over my future path. No matter how much I will myself to feel some level of excitement for our future arrival, I still feel nothing. I still feel physically sick when I step inside Mothercare, panic attacks brewing at the mere sight of a babygro.
But perhaps today I feel a little less nothing than I did yesterday…