When I started this blog, it was my intention to end each day by sharing my thoughts and feelings of the day. I assumed, given the personal mental state I was in when I started, that my daily posts would generally be on the miserable side, but at least it would be out of my head and it may help others to realise they are not alone.
If I am to remain true to myself, I have to write down my feelings no matter what they are. Today I was a bit nervous about blogging, because I am afraid today’s post might come across a bit smug. I hope you will trust me that it is not my intention.
Today, for no real reason, I feel incredibly lucky and blessed. It’s been a normal kind of day – family trip to stock up on much needed storage to help in the household de-clutter. Lost the kids on numerous occasions, rowed with the husband about whose responsibility it was to handle the tape measure and nearly lost the will to live in the queue to pay for said storage along with all manner of things you never know you want or need until you are in the world of Ikea! As I write, I wonder if the thing that made today feel so special is the fact that it was a normal kind of day. I’m not sure anything has felt normal for a while.
While I sit here typing, I look around my cosy living room having just sent the kids off to bed after a cheeky late night up watching XFactor and realise that really I am an incredibly lucky lady. Don’t get the wrong idea about me. Yes, I have a nice home and a good job (not exciting, but good), and a fantastic and loving little family, but I can’t say I have achieved anything particularly noteworthy yet in my life. There are people in this world that are doing a much better job at this thing called life than I am. But maybe it is the feeling that I really am lucky to have what I do have (love, family, not the material crap) that has made me so anxious about recent developments. I mean, something has got to go wrong soon hasn’t it? When I look at my 2 beautiful, witty and kind children, I can’t help but think that my luck must be running out. I guess all expectant mums feel a bit like that don’t they? I realise, however, that I cannot change that, and whilst the lack of control over my destiny has contributed to much angst in recent weeks, today I am celebrating what I do have. It’s a hell of a feeling.