The Chicken or the Egg…?

Feeling very confused today.  I can’t stop thinking about the meeting with the counsellor earlier this week.  I was so convinced that there was chemically something wrong with me, that I was actually losing my mind.  But today I’m wondering if really this is just another case of me setting ridiculously high expectations on myself that the reason I came crashing down is because I could never meet them.  Perhaps they are one and the same thing.  I think about times when I have suffered in the past, when my GP explained that I have what they call ‘automatic negative thoughts’.  I’ve done that to myself all my life I think – always thought the worst will happen, that I’ll never be good enough.  So maybe, like the counsellor said, that is exactly what I am doing now?

Maybe I am not depressed about having a baby, per se, but perhaps my familiar old ‘friend’ that likes to tell me I can’t do it, that I can’t be happy, is sticking her oar in again?  The pressure of my new job along with the unexpected pregnancy came just at the right moment for her to reappear?  I don’t know.  All I know is that I haven’t taken the pills for 2 days, and I have not returned the call to the counsellor to set up my next CBT appointment.   Something is telling me I can do this on my own.

I wonder what came first – the depression or the tiredness?  Am I tired because I am mentally worn down?  Is that why I spend most of my free time lying in a ball on the sofa, and there is no energy left to find any enjoyment in normal things? Is the depression using so much of my mental resources that I just don’t have the energy for day to day life? I am so tired.

Or am I feeling depressed because I am so tired that all I want to do is lie in a ball on the sofa and I’ve got no energy left to find any enjoyment in normal things? Maybe I can’t function mentally because I am just so damned tired?

God knows. What I do know is that I need to figure out which came first for me to really know how to help myself. For the depression I will need help. But maybe I just need to sleep…?

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