Feeling very confused today. I can’t stop thinking about the meeting with the counsellor earlier this week. I was so convinced that there was chemically something wrong with me, that I was actually losing my mind. But today I’m wondering if really this is just another case of me setting ridiculously high expectations on myself that the reason I came crashing down is because I could never meet them. Perhaps they are one and the same thing. I think about times when I have suffered in the past, when my GP explained that I have what they call ‘automatic negative thoughts’. I’ve done that to myself all my life I think – always thought the worst will happen, that I’ll never be good enough. So maybe, like the counsellor said, that is exactly what I am doing now?
Maybe I am not depressed about having a baby, per se, but perhaps my familiar old ‘friend’ that likes to tell me I can’t do it, that I can’t be happy, is sticking her oar in again? The pressure of my new job along with the unexpected pregnancy came just at the right moment for her to reappear? I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t taken the pills for 2 days, and I have not returned the call to the counsellor to set up my next CBT appointment. Something is telling me I can do this on my own.
I wonder what came first – the depression or the tiredness? Am I tired because I am mentally worn down? Is that why I spend most of my free time lying in a ball on the sofa, and there is no energy left to find any enjoyment in normal things? Is the depression using so much of my mental resources that I just don’t have the energy for day to day life? I am so tired.
Or am I feeling depressed because I am so tired that all I want to do is lie in a ball on the sofa and I’ve got no energy left to find any enjoyment in normal things? Maybe I can’t function mentally because I am just so damned tired?
God knows. What I do know is that I need to figure out which came first for me to really know how to help myself. For the depression I will need help. But maybe I just need to sleep…?
