I often find myself wondering if we could cheat this thing, Peanut. You know, change the past by putting some distance between you and the place where all of this happened. Get in the car and drive, just drive, as far away from here as we can get on a tank of diesel. Far away enough to escape the darkness that threatens to steal the sunshine from our lives.
These past few days I have been taunted by intrusive thoughts. I have a ‘friend’ called Ant* who used to hang around a lot, whispering negative thoughts in my ear whenever I tried to look on the bright side. It seems these days she’s been inviting a whole bunch of pals round to join in, and they fill every space in thought that I have. Last night, as I laid you down to sleep, I was hit by a thought; “What if this is the last time I put you to bed?” I don’t even know where it came from, I mean I don’t feel like you are in the danger zone anymore. Do I? To be honest, I don’t really know what I know anymore. Before the appointment in Doncaster last week, I had reached a point where I felt things were stable, and that we were out of the woods. Having to relive it all again to a new Doctor has knocked me sideways, and I feel confused and unsure and alone again.
These days my mind is never quiet. I have to keep myself busy just to drown out the noise. Today as we drove home from the Children’s Hospital my mind started to wander and I thought about how much I love you. It’s crazy just how much, sweetheart. It’s not even healthy. I mean, of course loving you is a good thing, but when every thought of how much I love you is met with a thought about how devastated I would be if anything were to happen to you… God, I wish I could just love you without the fear.
As that last thought entered my head, I actually shouted aloud to the cloudless grey sky, “DON’T YOU DARE DO IT, DON’T YOU DARE!” I’m not even sure if I know who I was daring. God I guess. I was challenging him, without any clue how I was going to punish him if he chose to ignore my threat. What could I do? What power do I have to protect you? I just wish someone could tell me that things are going to work out, that you will recover completely and this nightmare will become a distant memory. I don’t want to feel sad every time I think about what you might sound like when you talk, or when you will crawl, or what you will be when you grow up. I want to be able to think about your future without being checked by the voice in my head that warns me not to tempt fate.
I was jolted out of my thoughts by the beeping of a car horn. To the impatient lady at the wheel of the Mini behind me: We don’t care much about your beeping horn. How nice to live in a world that you feel you can rush through. I personally have no desire to rush through this life. This precious life. So beep away, lady, and know that you will not move me today or any other day. Nor shall you induce me to hurry for your convenience, for right now I am sharing the air in my Vauxhall Astra with the most precious thing I have in my life.
There is a quote that does the rounds from time to time about being kind to others, because you never know what troubles people are dealing with. I will try to remember that, and be more tolerant of others. Mini lady achieved a whole car’s advantage on me. Was it worth it to steal a precious moment?
I feel like I am in purgatory. Stuck in hellish flashbacks of the worst time of our lives, but without the Utopian promise of a life no longer touched by Kawasaki Disease. I’m not sure how much sadness I can take. I had you sweet and perfect and just as I made you, for seven weeks. Seven weeks. Now tears are streaming down my cheeks as I silently scream, “WHY?!!” Why, Peanut? Why you? Why us? Why did they have to ruin everything? I am afraid that I will never be the same again.
On Friday I will have my first counselling session to try to help me come to terms with what has passed, and what might be in our future. I have so much I need to say, out loud. I’m frightened that once I open the floodgates to the emotions inside me, that I will not be able to close them back up. And I’ll only have an hour.
*reference earlier blogs – ANT = Automatic Negative Thoughts. “Ant” is the personification of my negative thoughts and feelings