Seems impossible that I can be sat here exactly 2 weeks from the day that my baby – the baby that changed everything – is due to enter the world and turn my life upside down (more so than she already has)! I’ve reached that point in the pregnancy when I have had enough! I’ve been running on adrenalin for weeks, working full time right up to Friday making sure my work and my team didn’t suffer by my absence. And now I’m at home, waiting. I’ve been booked in to be induced on the due date, so there shouldn’t be any hanging around. Apparently the risk of stillbirth increases when you reach 40 so they don’t take any chances! Every cloud…and yet there’s something else to worry about there. Like the risk of losing her to Group B Strep wasn’t already scary enough!
I am so emotional! On the brink of tears through fear, pain, exhaustion, frustration, you name it I’m feeling it. There are things I want to do, but I am suffering with SPD (symphysis pubic dysfunction) which basically means I feel like my pelvis is splitting in two and the groin and back pain is unbearable. Getting comfortable is painful, then when I get comfy I need a wee and getting back up is painful. It’s like a vicious circle of pain, pain and more pain. But then I guess there’s more pain to come very soon! And I’m betting on red with this one! I’ve had 2 labours handled without pain relief. The first time I hardly knew I was in labour until my waters broke and I arrived at the hospital 7cm dilated on 2 paracetamol! With my second I was induced. When active labour started I was at TKMAXX with my husband and best mate, fitting in a bit of last minute shopping and a McDonalds before rushing back to hospital to deliver my son 3 hours later! Not that I boast about that…much!!! I have worn it like a medal of honour – I gave birth twice without pain relief! I am made of tough stuff! I mock the women on One Born Every Minute as they scream in pain even though they’ve had an epidural! And I am betting that this time I am made to pay for all that smugness!! This baby was sent here to teach me some lessons and I reckon a painful labour is one of those lessons. We shall see – in 2 weeks or less!
I think because I had 2 pretty straightforward labours (don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like shelling peas – one got stuck and had to be sucked out in theatre, and the other was well overdue), plus the fact that this time I’ve been constantly reminded that there are no guarantees where the creation of life is concerned, has filled my head with negativity about the end result. No matter what I do to look to an exciting future there’s something (or someone) niggling at the back of my mind. When I’m in pain that voice is there saying “I hope she’s worth it”. When I buy something new, no sooner have I cooed over how pretty the little dress is, than the voice chips in: “Keep the receipt for that.” Today when I was making pretty satin ribbon bows to dress the nursery blinds, there it was scoffing, “That’s a whole lot of effort for nothing.” Every thing I do to prepare for the arrival feels like another nail in her coffin. I wish I could make it go away, but it’s not like it is a ridiculous notion. Things go wrong; bad things happen. And it’s my turn isn’t it? I’ve got two beautiful, healthy children – do I really deserve more of the same?
I just want her here. I need to get this over with so I can see what I’ve got! See whether the last 9 months have been worth it. See how much of a lesson is being delivered to me. I never felt this scared or negative about my first two. It never crossed my mind that I would not have beautifully healthy children at the end of that 9-month road. This time it’s overwhelmingly different. Because I’m aware of the risks with my age? Because of the Group B Strep? Because of the journey I’ve been on over the last 38 weeks? Or just because I don’t know why I would get to be lucky enough third time around? Who knows. All I do know is that for the next 2 weeks I’m going to feel like I’m walking the mile.