I had my 20 week scan today and found out that all my worrying was completely unnecessary! Not only is my baby perfectly healthy, but she is a girl!
After the scan I legged it to the toilets to relieve myself of the ridiculous quantities of water I drank on the way to the hospital. Once I’d locked the door, the tears came. I was relieved and overjoyed. But I was also overwhelmed by a feeling I can’t describe. Not regret, but something close to that. I thought about all the time I’ve wasted obsessing about what could go wrong. And I shook myself off and told myself “You see, you ARE a lucky person!”
My joy was short lived because waiting for me outside the toilets was the lady that carried out the scan asking me to take a seat in the consultants room. To cut a long story short, I have Group B Strep and a low lying placenta. Both fairly common, neither without their risks. A nurse explained everything to me and I left feeling deflated. My bubble had been burst, and it had been such a good one.
Now, I have had time to think it through though. My old friend Ant was there for me as usual this morning (for those of you who haven’t met my friend in previous posts, please let me introduce you to ‘automatic negative thoughts’, my ever present, acutely annoying and destructive ‘friend’). The news marked the end of my joy, another reason to mope my way through the rest of this pregnancy.
It was a link to a website that a friend sent me that put things into perspective. “If you know you carry GBS during pregnancy, it is good to know.” One simple sentence. My friend ‘Ant’ had told me this was yet another sign that something would go wrong. He tried to make me feel stupid for allowing myself to feel joy for even a moment. But actually, the news I got today was lucky. It is good to know. The risks of any negative effects on a baby from GBS are far greater when the mother doesn’t know. Perhaps it was a sign after all. A sign that everything will be ok.
Tonight I will allow myself to dream 💕