A Nothing Kind of Day

So, today was a strange day.  First Monday morning in a long time that I didn’t hit the snooze button.  First morning in fact.  I slept through my husband’s 5:45am alarm for the first time in weeks, and when my alarm went off I accepted my fate and got straight up and showered.  It can’t be the medication yet – it’s a low dose of Citalopram and it is only Day 5.  Perhaps my acceptance of the issue, coupled with the thought that there may now be light at the end of what seemed like a never-ending tunnel just a week ago, has in itself kickstarted my recovery?  At any rate, it felt good to want to get up.

One thing I have noticed is that today is also the first day that has gone by without any tears.  In some way though, I had begun to find comfort in my tears.  It felt good to feel something.  If there’s one thing I have noticed about today, it is that I feel nothing.  No fear, no dread, no sadness, no anxiety, no loneliness, no despair; nothing.  That makes me nervous, because it is unlike me not to feel.  It’s like a kind of numbness enveloping me, body and soul.  My facial muscles don’t appear to want to work themselves into any kind of expression.  I am an empty shell.  I find it hard to believe that the medication could be responsible, but it does seem like a strange development from where I’ve been.  Only yesterday, a notification e-mail from Mothercare reminding me of how many days into this pregnancy I am was enough to induce a fit of sobs…

I have a hunch I felt the baby move this evening. But it may as well have been wind for all the emotion it evoked. I hope some day soon this will start to feel real.

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